The Club

A few years ago, I joined a club I never had any desire to be a member of. It’s not like I ever looked down on people who were already members…. It’s just that I didn’t think I was like them. I shared my story then, and I want to share it again for my sisters (and brothers) who are struggling. Yes, this is longer than normal, but I hope and pray it helps you not feel so alone.

So yeah, we all know my son Isaiah almost died. We have had, and continue to have challenges, but I mean was happy. Yeah. Yep. Absolutely. Happy. Right? Wrong. When I finally sat back and really considered what I couldn’t ignore, I realized I wasn’t happy. Sure, I had the “joy joy joy joy down in my heart,” but it was DEEP down. I could usually find it, but it was not bubbling up to the surface of each day as it had before. Some days I felt like I had to put my deep-sea diving gear on to find it. 

For months, I didn't “feel good.” I couldn’t pinpoint what it was. I just [physically] felt bad. I was tired all the time, I felt nauseous sometimes for no reason. I just felt like something was wrong. 

“Oh my gosh. It’s cancer!” I thought to myself. . . “I’ve got the cancer.” I’m chuckling to myself as I type that, not because it’s funny, but because I’m sure you’ve thought the same thing before. I know I’m not alone in this!

Of course, I was too afraid to go to the doctor and find out. 

Finally, there came about a 3-week period when I was just sad. I had a hard time smiling. I wasn’t motivated to do ANYTHING, and I was on the verge of tears every moment. 

“Oh,” I said out loud to myself. “I’m depressed.” 

Not only was I depressed. I had anxiety too! I found myself waking up some mornings, already in freak out mode, heart pounding, mind racing. This was not me. I’m the one who holds tightly onto Philippians 4:6-8. I’m the one who shouts “JOY!” from the mountain tops. How could I possibly have anxiety, or depression for that matter! 

As I reflected on what brought me to this unrecognizable state of being, I realized how much I had been through, and how I did my best to keep a positive perspective, count my blessings, and trust in God. I was able to do all of those things, but at the same time, failed to recognize the magnitude of stress all of it put on my body, and how that stress began to break down my system. 

When I finally came to terms with where I was emotionally, I called and made an appointment with the doctor.

I explained to her all that had gone on, and how I had been feeling. I told her of the challenges and struggles Isaiah has, and how it affected me. I recalled the extreme stress I felt when my mother was hospitalized with a serious illness, and the panic attack I had when I pulled up to the same emergency room I had taken Isaiah to two years before that. I didn’t tell her how there are times when my mind goes back to that evening of September 8th and pictures a different outcome. The feeling of terror that overcomes me when I think about what would have happened if I had just driven home and put Isaiah in bed. The flashback to the bed he laid on unresponsive and dying. My apprehension over Isaiah’s future, and whether or not he will feel happy and accomplished… My concern over his relationships, as I wonder even now, if any of them are real and fulfilling. I feel all of that in a matter of seconds. Then, just as fast as my angst comes, my God speaks to me.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” 

I know this, so why is my heart about to beat out of my chest? 

Why couldn’t I overcome the sadness, the anxiety, the pain? Was it a crisis of faith? Was I not a good Christian? No, it was none of those things. I simply failed to recognize the toll it had all taken on my body. When a person is in a state of stress, there are different hormones released. When that becomes a constant state, a person can become depleted and their system unable to cope. 

I was still a faithful child of God. 

The thing is, our world is not as God intended it to be. He did not create this world with sickness, disease, anxiety, or depression. He did not intend for a 13-year-old boy to have an explosion in his brain. He has obviously allowed those things, but they were not in his original plan for creation. So here we are trying to navigate through this messy, messy place.

As I wrapped up the conversation with my doctor, she handed me my prescription “membership card.” I had joined the millions of women on anti-anxiety/depression meds. I told her, “I don’t really want this, but I understand I need to get back to being me again. I’ll take it.” I’ll be honest . . . part of me felt shame. A small voice told me I was weak. But then as I thought about so many of my “sisters” who are in this club, I realized how many strong, brilliant, talented, AMAZING women I was joining. I am not weak. I am strong in Christ, and He, along with a very helpful medication, brought me back to the person He intended me to be. The one that is anxious for nothing. 

I know there are many of you out there, especially now, struggling with this, and I hope you know it’s okay to ask for help. It doesn’t mean you lack faith. It means you are human. Most often it’s important to talk to a therapist first to determine if you may need help beyond counseling. . .but ask for help. Find help in getting back to or becoming the person God intended you to be.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13